Thursday, June 14, 2012

All the Things that Should Remain Unsaid

Listening to: Night Train – Guns N Roses
Mood: Trying my best to chill the heck out

Hello, sorry for the disappearing act, life has been keeping me busy.

So as I mentioned last time, Daddy G is headed abroad to the US for 2 weeks in July. I am still unenthusiastic (which is putting it nicely) about this development. I got to thinking of the ways two people deal with living with each other on a long term basis and all the things that aren’t said in the name of keeping the peace. I know not all people have this coping strategy. Some people prefer to get it all out there and let it fly fast and furious, but Daddy G and I are master avoiders of conflict and confrontation. 

Except when we aren’t, like the past few weeks. It’s been interesting. It’s not all about his trip, and most of it has to do with a little hormone imbalance problem that I’m having. Don’t be fooled by the skin people, there’s a veloceraptor hiding just under the surface. In some ways, it’s good. No one at the hospital gets to tell me that they just “accidentally” charged me wrong and now I have to pay lots more money. Oh hell no, sugar, your logic for that one was convoluted at best, circular at worst. Not paying. Unfortunately, Daddy G has had to avoid all of the flying objects (and I wish I was being hyperbolic here) that I find when my inner Tasmanian devil surfaces for some retarded reason. I feel awful about it, but it is really hard to control. I’m hoping a second visit with the doctor tomorrow and possibly some medication can help me feel a little more sane. Or at least tame the rage.

So what do you do with things that you either can’t say, or it won’t do any good to say?

I find the fact that you have a work spouse in Minneapolis that you talk to way more than me a lot less amusing than you think.

You are a grown ass man. Pick your towel up off the floor. Now.

No, it is not funny to generally act like I’m being a baby because I don’t want to go to the hospital here by myself even if you are busy.

Daddy G is an awesome guy and he’s excellent for me. This isn’t an attack on him in any way. It’s about 2 people who have to shelve certain thoughts and ideas because it just doesn’t gel with the reality of someone else. I’d give some examples that he can’t say, but Daddy G has always been smarter than me when it comes to leaving things unsaid and doesn’t say them. Living with someone else, even someone you love and generally get along with well, is hard yo. 

I’ve learned the hard way over the years that some things just aren’t worth saying. If I have to ask you for the 7th time to please take out the gawd damned trash, it probably won’t happen unless I do it. You’re not my son. There are no consequences if you don’t do what I ask. I know it’s a down side of Daddy G seeing me as an independent, capable person – he doesn’t really have to do something he knows I can do. You want a drying rack? Sure, let me just procrastinate until you do it yourself.

I spent almost 8 of the 10 years of our marriage not saying much at all to Daddy G that would disturb the peace. This was my hang-up, a leftover of all the daddy issues I have. After I hit 30, I started feeling a little more secure that we were in this for the long run together and have become more vocal about what I want and what I need.  This has been intensely uncomfortable for Daddy G. In general, he has dealt with it with some grace and humor, but it’s hard to deal with someone who has generally become more outspoken when you’re used to someone who just goes along with what you want.

I don’t want to be a bitch, or a nag, or generally cow him into being a pussy. Definitely not. I detest that kind of thing. But I don’t want to walk on eggshells either. I’m not a fan of people feeling helpless and unable to change things that need change. Hiding from issues never solves them.  On the other hand though, there are things that aren’t going to be solved in my marriage. Daddy G’s work ethic is an issue that I’ve been over many times. This will never change. Nagging and harping on him will not only not change anything, it will make him resentful that he has to listen to said carping.

His insane need to sharpen what I said into pencil point accuracy? That will never change, it’s just his style. It’s not even worth a sharp retort because it will just cause us to fight. Will he listen if I come to him nicely and tell him it bothers me? Absolutely. Will it change? Eh, most likely not. It’s just a part of who he is. I think it would be good for me to remember that a little bit of serenity for the things that we can’t change about each other is necessary when advocating for what we need. After all, we’re going in the same direction and want to continue together. We have the rest of our lives to live with each other’s foibles. No point in letting small things grow into mountains.

How do you deal with the things that you just can’t change about your partner? Do you solicit your partner's help, or do you just manage yourself on your own?


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