Saturday, July 14, 2012

Holding me Down

Mood: Crappy.
Listening to: I’ll Be – Edwin McCain. Don’t worry, I’m not here to be weepy.

So I never understood when people said that their significant other holds them down. Please folks, no 50 Shades of Grey references, I’m sick of em. 

I’m half way through the latest stint of Daddy G flying off to the US to be around everything I miss and some specific people I miss too. I guess that sounds a little bitter – which is not what I was going for. Today has been a crappy day in that I’ve talked to my mom, Daddy G, some beloved cousins, and a friend and I feel like shit anyway. I’m lonely as hell. Talking to people you miss just doesn’t always help. Sometimes it makes the ache worse.

Thanks to some issues I can’t seem to leave at the baggage carousel at the airport, I tend to mentally freak out when Daddy G and I aren’t around each other for long periods of time. I’m not talking a weekend, I’m talking weeks at a time.  I end up in some very dark, bad mental spaces that aren’t healthy or productive for me to visit. I lasted 2 days this time before I gave in and started letting my mind wander. And just like that, I get it. If it’s just me, I tend to feel unanchored and destructive. Eating seems less important, spending time doing constructively just doesn’t seem to matter, I just float. It makes it hard for me to be a good mom to my kids. So I shove it down in a little mental compartment until they go to bed, and then it runs wild.

I get it now when people say that have someone that holds them down. That is what Daddy G is for me. He’s been an amazing influence in my life and almost always has my back. Even when we’re busy, or have nothing to say, or even are fighting, he’s there for me and keeps me centered as to what’s good for our family. He’s there to pull me out of my mental funk or call me on not doing what needs to be done.
The times when he’s not here, it terrifies me what I would be like if the good universe forbid we get divorced or he dies before we’re old. The man holds me down and I love him for it.


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