Listening to: The Lumberjack song – Monty Python
Mood: On
I’ve been married for just shy of 9 years now. Every year
since Daddy G and I got married, we have spent about 1 month of the summer
apart; sometimes a week longer, sometimes a few less. It wasn’t a negotiated,
or even decided thing, it just kind of evolved. I took the kids back to my
mother’s house for a visit. We socialized with my family and lots of old
friends. I have always loved my visits, but by the end of the 4 weeks, I’m missing
Daddy G a lot and aching to be in my own house again. I never thought much
about how he would feel about it because it was vacation and I had too many
things to do to sit around thinking. I’ve
since come to realize that he hated it. Daddy G spoils me quite a bit in that
he encourages me to do things I want to do (like visit my family) and he does
it selflessly for the most part. Likewise, if he wants to go out with the boys
(or on a boys weekend even) I’m the last person in the world to complain.
Recently, we’ve had the situation reversed a bit. Daddy G has gone back to the US for 5 weeks to
wrap up his citizenship (Finally!) and obtain a US passport/Indian PIO
card. We’re halfway through it now, and
I hate it. I know part of it is living in India and feeling a bit isolated
without the person I count on most, but it’s been rough. I’ve come to the conclusion that I would
really rather not spend another vacation in this way. Anyhow, now that we’ve moved
to India, my days of disappearing off to my mom’s house once a year have come to
an end.
I’ve heard a lot of propaganda about couple’s taking
separate vacations and how it can be a good thing. After all, it’s great to
have a bit of a break from someone you’re around ALL THE TIME, even if you do
love them. I suppose for some couples this is true. If you have no common interests, it may be
rather boring to vacation together. It
is easier to remember what you enjoyed and appreciated about a person after you’ve
been away for a while.
The thing that bothers me most about this idea is longer
vacations. A month is a long time to be apart from someone else. When Daddy G
and I were dating, his job took him to a city 6 hours away from mine. He could
afford to fly over and visit me every 5 weeks. I can still remember how
exasperating those 5 weeks were and how long they stretched out, even with
daily phone calls. I can distinctly remember the point when I realized that I
didn’t want to live this way any longer. I was actually contemplating a move to
his city when I found out I was carrying my elder daughter. We obviously got
married and the rest was history. The thing about living apart from someone
else is that you drift apart, even if you’re trying your best not to. Times
have changed quite a bit since those phone calls. We have Skype and the girls
and I try to talk to Daddy G every day or two so we all feel connected. It’s
still hard though. Unless you make a distinct and heroic effort to include the
other person in your life, it’s easy to feel like you’re leading 2 different
lives, which leads into dangerous territory. In my opinion, some of the best
and happiest marriages are where people feel that they have a common path and
goals. This is pretty hard to do when you’re not actually spending any time with
the other person.
Then there’s the question of getting back on the same page
after your spouse or you return. I’ve talked to quite a few people who have
told me this is a problem, as well as experiencing it firsthand. There’s a bit
of awkwardness that appears as you try to both get back on the same path
together. It can definitely put a space
in your emotional and sexual connection. I’ve found that the longer two people
are apart, the longer it takes them to sync back up when they are back together.
Another thing to consider is how your children will react to
the situation if you have children. My children have been unsurprisingly
unhappy about the whole situation. They are very close to their dad, which I am
very thankful for. There has been a bit of acting out though. My hat once again
goes out to single parents. I’m not exactly sure how you do it without a
partner backing you up. For all we talk, it’s hard for Daddy G to be involved
in managing the kids. Because we are both in separate time zones, it’s not
always easy to have him help with something going on with the kids. He can’t be
there to back me up or discipline the kids when a problem is happening.
We’re wandering into sappy territory here, so you’ve been
warned. As I get older, I find myself wanting to spend time with Daddy G. We don’t’ have all that many interests in
common, but I do enjoy spending time with him and talking with him. That’s
pretty much why I married him, so why stop now?
I don’t think I’ve reached any conclusions right now about
separate vacations. If it works for you, fabulous. Do it. If not, why make
yourself and be miserable. I will say this though. I think families function
best when they are together unless they have some divorce worthy drama.
What are your thoughts on separate
vacations/spending time apart?
Becky
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